Siriusly Mad by Sirius Black
by twelvegrimmauldplace
Summary: Sirius on why he went after Peter after Lily and James' deaths and his feelings about him. Added chapters of Sirius and his feelings and thoughts in Azkaban! Please read and REVIEW!
1. Siriusly Mad by Sirius Black

_Disclaimer: I do _not _own any characters, places or anything to do with the Harry Potter world._

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**Siriusly Mad **** _by Sirius Black_**

Everyone tells me I acted rashly – that I rushed into things – but how would you be thinking if everyone was gone?

Not straight, I can tell you.

I wasn't married, but my girlfriend had been killed a few months earlier. My friends were all I had.

How would you feel if you'd unintentionally murdered two people? – Your best friend who was like a brother to you and his wife. People you'd known since your first year at Hogwarts, who had made you their son's godfather, were suddenly gone.

I felt guilty for persuading James and Lily to use Peter as their Secret Keeper, but I had no way of knowing that Peter was the traitor. It was wrong of us to assume that it was Remus just because he's a werewolf. It seemed like a foolproof plan to use Peter as Secret Keeper.

How could he betray his best friends like that? I didn't get it; I didn't _get_ how he could be so cowardly. He took all the help he could get from us just to throw it back in our faces – especially that last trick of his, I should've seen it coming. He must've been out for himself the whole time, sly and cunning like a Slytherin. It amazes me that he ever got into Gryffindor.

Why should two innocent people die just so he could live? A thousand Peters would never be worth one of Lily or James.

Everything you knew had changed, moved on, and you'd been left behind – what would you do about it?

I wanted revenge.

A double crosser, traitor, liar, coward, loser – calling him names wasn't enough. I was too angry, too hurt to let him get away with it. I wanted to hurt him. I didn't think about him getting the last laugh and to be honest I didn't care at the time. I'd lost everything because of him; I wanted to kill him as soon as possible.

So I tried.

Obviously it didn't work and he managed to slaughter twelve more innocent people before going into hiding. Why did I laugh? I had nobody left, Peter had got the better of me, and I was going to Azkaban. That's why I laughed – I truly had lost everything.


	2. Siriusly Bored by Sirius Black

_Disclaimer: I do _not _own any characters, places or anything to do with the Harry Potter world._

**Siriusly Bored _by Sirius Black_**  
  
I lost my freedom, I lost my friends and I lost my faith in the human race.  
  
I sat on the floor of the cell hearing the screams and delirious dreams of the murderers that surrounded me. Sometimes I heard screams about how Peter had betrayed Voldemort – that was nothing, nothing to how he betrayed his friends. I sometimes wondered whether he'd ever really been our friend.

I had all my memories – the good and the bad – but that was all. Nothing new happened. Nothing new ever happened. I tried to reminisce over the good times, but how could I? Peter marred so many of them. Thousands of Hogwarts memories, pranks, balls, lessons, quidditch matches, just general arsing around - thousands of otherwise happy memories were spoilt by his presence.

I sometimes wondered when he'd turned to the dark side. When had Voldemort approached him? When had he decided that his life was more important than someone else's? When had he decided to betray his friends?

I didn't try to understand him; I knew there was no way I'd ever be able to. There was nothing to do except stare at the wall.

What would've been the point of doing anything anyway? The same monotonous routine, the same creatures trying to drag your happiness away – all the days merged into one long hard slog just to stay alive. It felt like I was living an endless nightmare.

Don't get me wrong – I knew that it wasn't my fault; I knew that I was innocent, but I had nothing to be happy about. They couldn't take away any happiness if I didn't have it in the first place. There was nothing to do except listen, listen to the echoing emptiness of my dull heartbeat.

I thought I was stuck in there forever – nothing meant anything anymore.

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_How was that? I've got ideas for at least a couple more. Please R&R (even if it is rubbish!) . Thanks to Vicc The Blackwolf, child-of-scorpio, Danz, karen and acebrill for the reviews of Siriusly Mad!_

_**Tanya**_


	3. Siriusly Haunted by Sirius Black

_Disclaimer: I do not own any magic, places, characters or anything that you recognise from the world of Harry Potter._

**Siriusly Haunted** _**by Sirius Black  
**_  
I said that Peter marred some of my memories – sure, I tried not to think of them, but I couldn't exactly stop them from resurfacing in my sleep. One of them replayed over and over, haunting my sleep and seeping through into my daytime thoughts. I couldn't get away from it; I couldn't escape it. It was always going to be there, so I _had_ to think about it.

It came to me as clear as day – I was talking to Lily and James about using Peter as their Secret Keeper instead of me. I could feel the words coming out of my mouth and I was desperately trying to stop them. I knew what the consequences of those actions were now, and they ran through my head while those fateful words erupted from me.

I couldn't stop the words, of _course_ I couldn't stop the words – it was only a nightmare. Obviously I hadn't known the consequences at the time, but it still haunted me that I was the one who suggested using Peter. It still haunted me that my two best friends might still be with me if I hadn't persuaded them that they'd be better of using Peter as their Secret Keeper. So much rested on those words – their lives, Harry's life, my freedom and maybe even the lives of those twelve innocent muggles.

The happy memories of Lily and James hurt too - seeing them so happy, so loving, so young and full of life when they were gone.

I remembered what they were like at Hogwarts – especially James. All the pranks we pulled and excuses we made in class, all the times James tried not to be obvious about fancying Lily but failed miserably, the day that he finally managed to get a date with her, and the day when he asked me to be best man at their wedding. Of course I'll always remember the actual day too.

I don't think they'd blame me, they didn't know about Peter and I didn't know either. Maybe they'd blame me for being so rash though. I was so proud when they asked me to be Harry's godfather and I had no clue where he was now. Sure, he was probably fine – Dumbledore wouldn't let anything happen to him, but I promised. I _promised_ to look after him if anything ever happened to them and I'd let my anger get the better of me instead; I'd broken my promise.

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_A **big **thank you to the lovely people who found it in their hearts to review! Hehe - I know the chapters are really short, but that's just how they run. I don't think they should be really long. With thanks to: Loki Mischeif-Maker, MidnightPrincess, Naoko-san (x2) and child-of-scorpio._

_**Tanya (P.S - I have written a load of the next chapter of You Can Trust Me, but I think it's going to end up longer than usual. I have FOUR exams next week, so it might be a while before I update.) Argggggggg.**_


	4. Siriusly Empty by Sirius Black

_Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, places, magic or anything that you recognise from the world of Harry Potter.  
_  
**Siriusly Empty by Sirius Black**  
  
They left a huge gap. It's horrible when someone close to you dies – they leave a huge gap that can't be filled again. They take a bit of you with them.

Being locked up made it a whole lot worse. Sometimes you want to be alone when you're grieving for someone, but sometimes you just need someone there so you know that you're not alone.

I _was_ alone.

I was stuck in a cell for the rest of my life. Nobody knew the truth; nobody had ever given me the chance to tell them the truth. I had no comfort.

I wasn't worried about myself – if I couldn't get out of there, then I wasn't afraid to die. Anything would've been better than a lifetime stuck in that place. Every day there seemed like a lifetime.

I was pissed off at being there, but my grief halted my other emotions. I spaced out for ages, just staring at a dirty wall.

I knew that I was innocent, but it didn't seem to matter. Living in Azkaban must be worse than living as a rat, but at least Pettigrew wasn't living it up as some sort of hero – at least he wasn't completely free.

I don't know how long it was before I felt the tears leak from the corners of my eyes and run down my face, I don't know how long I cried for either. There was nobody there to see me, nobody there to laugh and, quite frankly, I wouldn't have given a shit if there were.

At the beginning I was afraid to cry just in case I couldn't stop. I realised now that it didn't matter. I had all the time in the world to cry.  
  
Crying didn't help. It didn't help anything. Crying couldn't bring people back, crying couldn't get me out of Azkaban and crying couldn't help Harry.

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_Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter 3: Danz, Loki Mischeif-Maker, Naoko-san and child-of-scorpio. The next chapter shall be the last (breakout!). I'm not sure when the next update of 'You Can Trust Me' will be - might be a while, as I'm going away next week._

_Please review!_

_Tanya_


	5. Siriusly Plagued by Sirius Black

_Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, places, magic or anything that you recognise from the world of Harry Potter._

**Siriusly Plagued _by Sirius Black_**

I asked Fudge for the newspaper, claiming that I missed doing the crossword, and being the incompetent idiot that he is, he gave me it.

I saw a rat on the front, and instantly thought that it was Peter. How could I be so sure about it? You'd know someone's appearance if you'd seen them for at least one night a month for a few years. Not only that, but the rat was missing a finger – a significant factor that eliminated any doubt.

It all happened in a blur, but I knew that Peter had cut off his own index finger. Freak.

I thought that nothing meant anything anymore; maybe I was wrong. There _was_ something. Harry was my godson – of course that meant something. Peter was sitting on the shoulder of a boy, whom the paper informed me would be returning to Hogwarts in September. Obviously he would be taking his 'pet' rat with him, meaning that said rat would be near Harry.

Voldemort wasn't at large anymore, making it almost certain that Wormtail wouldn't risk revealing his true identity just to murder Harry.

_Almost _certain wasn't good enough. What if Voldemort _did _return to power? Peter would be in the prime position to finish off the job and possibly regain Voldemort's respect (if he gave anybody any respect, which I highly doubted). If Voldemort returned, Peter probably wouldn't hesitate; he didn't hesitate when he gave away Lily and James' secret.

How could I help Harry though? How could I protect him?

I had to escape.

Sometimes, when everything became too much, I transformed into a dog. I slipped past the when they opened my door to bring me food one night. I'm not quite sure how it worked – maybe they were confused, as they find it a lot harder to sense animal emotions. Whatever – it didn't matter to me. All that mattered was that I had managed to escape, I was needed for something and I was a step closer to letting people know the truth.

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**_A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! This is (probably) the last chapter. My comp got fixed early (thankfully). Please review!_**

**_Thanks,_**

**_Tanya_**


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